I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
