Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
