Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
