he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
