Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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