He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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