broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
