I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
