Someone shit on the floor
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
