Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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