He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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