The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
