I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Randomize
