Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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