The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
