someone get that fucking seahorse.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
