I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Nicole vs. Life
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
