Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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