I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
