By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I need to stop coming to work sober
So gin and wine won't be happening again
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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