Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
