Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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