I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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