he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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