Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
