mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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