She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
