apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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