My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
worst night to have a conscience
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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