i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
