My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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