Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
