I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
