i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
