Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
