i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
