i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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