dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
