My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
