I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
