he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
