Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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