I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
