I feel great
I just peed on a car
People with herpes should wear stickers.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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