What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
