just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
