I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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