lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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