Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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