Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
