Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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