This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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